Body image

I've recently got back from a lovely holiday in Greece, and it got me thinking about how I felt about my back while I was on holiday.

Ever since I was diagnosed with scoliosis, body image has been a diffcult subject for me. All my body confidence issues seem to magnify by 1000 whenever I go on holiday and my back is on 'display' more. For me, post surgery, dealing with my body image hasnt got any easier. Pre-surgey I thought that all my body image issues would disapper post surgery - I was so wrong. 

I'm aware that my back doesnt look that bad but it's not "normal" and somehow I feel even more concious of it post surgery. I dread wearing a bikini and generally, when I'm on a beach style holiday, I have several 'techniques' to try and hide my back from others:

1. I try and get a sunbed as close to the pool / sea as possible to avoid walking past others when getting in and out of the pool
2. I won't go to the pool bar etc without getting dressed again even if it's really hot
3. I won't go to the swim up bar incase people notice my back while I'm sat having a drink
4. I won't go into the pool without a vest/t-shirt on over my bikini, some days I even avoid going into the pool at all (even if it's hot) as I don't want to walk past people.
5. If I want to get up off my sunlounger, I won't even stand up incase people see my back, so I will try really hard to get my top on over my bikini before standing up.

In addition I get REALLY paranoid about people looking at me, to the point of obsession almost. If people look at me, I assume they are looking at my back and thinking bad things.

So what worried me this holiday, is that these behavioural traits that I've been doing for years pre-surgery, I STILL can't seem to shake 3 years post op. It's really, really difficult for me to be in public in a bikini on holiday. To the point that I'd avoid it at all costs because I find people looking at me and my back too hard to cope with.

I write this post because it highlights that surgery is not a 'quick fix' for all the body confidence issue scoliosis causes. Yes, it improved how I looked, but it did not fix the psychological damage living with the condition for 10 years had already caused. 

It may not be this way for everyone but this is my experience, and it kind of makes me sad that I still feel this way and that it affects what I do or don't do on my holiday.

To try and overcome this, on this holiday I purposely made myself do things I was uncomfortable with - I went into the pool without my vest top over my bikini several times, I sat on the edge of the pool reading (without a vest top over my bikini) AND I went to the pool bar, which were big things for me to do.

However, I have still not managed to walk past people just wearing my bikini. 

I think I'll have to work up to that.

3 years post op!

Today I am three years post op from my scoliosis surgery and I really can't believe how fast that time has gone. So much has changed in the last three years and I've come so far, I am now very busy studying an MSc course whilst working full time - hence why I havent updated my blog for a while! I've been so busy getting an assignment done this month that I almost forgot that it was my three year scoliosis surgery anniversary. In a way, I think that's a good thing as it shows that my back doesn't rule my life anymore.

So how does my back feel at three years post op? I think in all honesty it's still improving. In the past 6 months I've noticed that I seem to have got some of my flexibility back that I thought was gone forever. 

Yes, I still can't bend the fused part of my back (T3-L3) BUT I can bend from my hips and recently I've noticed that when I'm sitting down I can bend like I used to before surgery to pick something off the floor! This may not seem like much to some people but for me this is a big thing and it makes me so happy that I can now do this. I can also bend quite far from my waist now, although I can't touch my toes (yet!) 

I think it just goes to show how long the recovery can take, it still surprises me the differences I notice in my back month by month - even now.

Scoliosis Awareness Month

June 29th is International Scoliosis Awaness Day! So what will you doing to raise awareness for scoliosis? There's lots of information plus some fantastic resources and inspiration available from the Scoliosis Association here. 

Scoliosis scar: 2 years 8 months post op

Here's a picture of my scoliosis scar at 2 years 8 months post op, as you can see its faded quite a bit. I thought I'd take a picture now to show those facing surgery, or those at the beginning of their recovery, what the scar can look like later on during recovery. I get asked quite a bit about how my scar looks so.. there you go!

Raise money for scoliosis

I'm always trying to find ways to raise money for scoliosis research and for those who don't know, half the money generated by advertising on this blog will be donated to the Scoliosis Association - so the more attention the blog gets, the better! 

I've also recently come across a great fundraising website that's free to join, and if you shop online via them, a percentage will be given to the Scoliosis Association. It's a great way to give to an important cause - while you shop! 

Simply shop with any of over 2000 well known retailers listed on easyfundraising.org.uk and a percentage of what you spend is passed to Scoliosis Association at no additional cost to you. Retailers include Amazon, M&S, Vodafone, eBay, Tesco, Viking and many more. Support the scoliosis association today -http://www.easyfundraising.org.uk/causes/sauk

Richard III: Channel 4 documentary and scoliosis

It's all over the news at the minute, it has been confirmed that the skeleton buried underneath a car park in Leicester discovered several months ago is in fact Richard III. 

What interested me more though, was his skeleton showed that he had scoliosis, which shows just how long the condition has been around.

I can sympathise with Richard III, as looking at his skeleton reminded me of my curve pre-surgery and I really felt for the guy knowing the pain and discomfort he must have been in everyday. Having said that, he didn't seem to let his scoliosis stop him, either!

I felt compelled to write this post after watching the Channel 4 documentary about Richard III last night, which showed how his skeleton was found. I was looking forward to watching it, as I felt it would be a real chance for Channel 4 to raise awareness of scoliosis in a positive and inspiring way. In some ways, I actually felt proud to be connected to a former King through my scoliosis.

What I witnessed, in fact, was a poorly researched programme which to me reflected scoliosis in a highly negative and offensive way.

Scoliosis was portrayed negatively to millions of people, with frequent uses of offensive words being inaccurately used to describe scoliosis throughout the documentary.

What upsets me more, is that there are now many people out there, including children in schools, who will think it's ok to use these offensive words, not just as a result of this programme but also the other inaccurate media coverage out there about Richard III and his scoliosis. It makes me so mad.

Scoliosis effects your self confidence and body image in a big way, I should know, and the insensitive comments throughout this particular documentary and other media coverage will not help those with the condition and are extremely hurtful.

This was a prime opportunity for Channel 4 to promote a positive message about scoliosis including understanding and acceptance but for me this programme did the exact opposite.

I have already made a complaint to Channel 4 but I think it highlights more than ever how important it is to raise awareness of scoliosis and set the record STRAIGHT (so to speak!) :-) about what it really involves and it how it affects people's lives everyday.

Winter Warmers - Pain Relief

Image by insane gal via Flickr

With winter brings dark nights, cold frosty/snowy days and for me and many other scoliosis sufferers - increased back pain.

The cold weather tends to cause an achy type pain and extra stiffness in my lower back, which for some reason I've noticed even more since my surgery and have noticed even more over the past few days. This is one of the reasons I detest winter, that and fear of slipping on icy ground and damaging my metalwork.

During winter, you'll usually find me with a hot water bottle or heat pad permanently attached to my back, as I find heat therapy really helps to relieve my aches and pains. 

As we've been hit by freezing temperatures and snow this week in the UK, I thought I'd share some useful tips/products that I've found and that could help get us through the upcoming winter months.

1. Heat Pads

I found this mobile heat pad on stressnomore.co.uk and think it looks perfect as you can actually strap it round your body! It beats having a hot water bottle tucked down the back of my trousers!

 
This one is also from stressnomore.co.uk. The Beurer HK63 Rheumatherm Magnetic Heating Pad cleverly incorporates heat and magnetic therapy for pain relief.




Amazon also have a good selection of heat pads.

2. Hot water bottles

A scoliosis sufferers best friend! I find my hot water bottle works wonders on my aching back and feels like bliss.

3. A hot bath / shower

If you find having a bath comfortable it can really help the pain. I actually find having a bath quite uncomfortable post-surgery as I cant bend my back against the bath and just have to sit upright which isnt very comfortable! Perhaps a bath pillow would help but I'm yet to find a decent one. I also find it quite difficult getting in and out of the bath so I prefer to have a shower which can be just as good for pain relief!

4. A lie down on a memory foam mattress / topper

For me, memory foam is the best invention ever and a lie down on my memory foam topper instantly relieves my pain. Lots of cushions also help.

5. Thermal tops

I've recently tried wearing a thermal vest top underneath my clothes which really helps to keep the cold out of my back.

Failing the above, a holiday to a nice hot beach will also do just fine! ;)

2012

So it's nearly the end of another year and it's got me thinking about how good of a year it's been for my back and all the things I've managed to do. At the start of the year I was still doing physio, my back still felt weak and stiff and I was scared of doing things which might cause damage.

As the year progressed, I found myself gaining more strength and more confidence to push myself as I began to realise that I'm stronger and can do more than I first thought.  

My scoliosis surgery gave me a new zest for life and one of my resolutions last year was to try new things and get as much as I can out of life, despite my back condition.

This year I have climbed mount Snowdon in Wales, which was very difficult and a huge personal challenge for me, travelled to Marrakech, Turkey and Denmark, bought my first car, taken up Zumba (which I never thought I'd be able to do post surgery) completed a web design course and started a Masters degree in digital marketing communications whilst working full time, which keeps me very busy! 2012 was also the year I was given the all clear by my surgeon that finally, after over 10 years of annual scoliosis checkups, I now no longer need to go back to the hospital for X-rays each year.

My back has also never felt stronger, although I still get the odd pain days, I don't take painkillers as frequently anymore and I can now bend and pick things up more easily, although my grabber still comes in handy especially when tidying things off the floor. I also still believe, even though it's been two years since my surgery, that there is still a way to go and it will continue to improve over the coming months. 

The important thing is a couple of years ago my back condition consumed me, now I rarely think about it and get on with my life - and for that I am thankful.

I hope that in 2013 I can continue to push myself, aim high and not let my scoliosis hold me back, so to speak ;)

Happy new year!

Louise x

Image by pepemczolz via Flickr

Inspirational Scoliosis Quotes

When I was recovering from surgery, reading inspirational quotes helped me to stay positive.

Here are a collection of some of my favourites that I think relate well to scoliosis, scoliosis surgery and recovery:


Recovery / Strength

You can't see the view if you don't climb the mountain.

You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

Courage isn't having the strength to go on - it is going on when you don't have strength. Napoleon Bonaparte

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.

Life consists not in holding good cards, but in playing those cards you hold well

Where there is no struggle, there is no strength - Oprah Winfrey

No matter how hard things may seem, don't get down, and don't give up. The clouds will clear, and there are brighter days ahead.

It doesn't matter how many times you get knocked down, but how many times you get up - Vince Lombardi

The way I see it, if you want a rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain - Dolly Parton

Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it's stormy now, doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine - Unknown.

Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.

Pain

Behind every beautiful thing, there's some kind of pain. Bob Dylan

In the end, some of your greatest pains become your greatest strengths. Drew Barrymore 

Pain is weakness leaving the body. Tera Lynn Childs 

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa 

Pretending to be happy when you're in pain is just an example of how strong you are as a person 

The pain of yesterday is the strength of today

Scars

Scars show us where we have been, they do not dictate where we are going. David Rossi

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you. 

Please feel free to comment and add your own! :)

Louise x

2 year post op checkup

Today I had my 2 year post op checkup. 

After scoliosis surgery you generally get seen for a checkup after 3 months, after 6 months, after 1 year and after 2 years, so this was my final post surgery checkup (hooray!) 

Like last year, it was very weird going back to the hospital I had my surgery at, it's easy to forget what you went through sometimes but going back there again and walking past the ward I was on kind of brought it all back. 

Luckily, I managed to see my surgeon for this appointment (not a registrar) which was good news. He checked my xrays and said all the metalwork looks as though it's in the right place and he thinks it's fused now which is great news. 

I told him that I'm doing alot of activities post op such as going to the gym regularly, aeorbics, zumba etc and that I was worried I was doing too much. His answer was no I won't be doing too much and that I can do anything I want to do now which is good to hear, sometimes you just need a little reassurance. 
 
What made me laugh though today was the guys who did my xrays were fascinated by them, their eyes almost popped out of their sockets when they saw them and they kept asking me loads of questions about my spine and calling me the bionic lady! Surely they've seen other scoliosis post op xrays before...I do like people's reactions to them though and straight after the guy who did the xrays had seen them he was offering to carry everything for me, like I couldn't lift a basket with my clothes in...Funny how people treat you differently after they've seen the xrays!

Anyway it was a good appointment overall and he said I dont have to go back again now or have any further xrays (woohoooo!) unless I have any issues. 

This is kind of a big thing for me, considering I have been having checkups on my back and xrays every year since I was 14. I've had more than enough xrays to last a lifetime. It's a bit weird to think I'll never have to go for another checkup or wear one of those fetching hospital gowns for my yearly xray again (fingers crossed).